Life versus Dream

When i was doing for SPM exam, i had the feeling that i might not be able to score straight As.

When the headmistress was announcing the straight As in my school, i was sitting at the back of the hall holding my phone,although i don't remember whom was the one i sms-ed to.

Then,i was called upon the stage, as the last one who got straight As in my school

Surprised more than happy. then happy and very very happy.

My boyfriend was there with me.He was younger than me by a year but having the height of 180 and the brain which is smarter than mine, he didn't make any difference.I shared the happiness with him,i was happy.

Later on,he accompanied me for almost all the education fair i went,which i appreciated a lot.

I got the interview from JPA , i offended the panel in my way.I still remembered he asked me about female and male on the engineering path.Har, i was a female there, and together with all the interviewees and the panels who were all males...well. 

Then,i got the scholarships from INTI for A-level - entirely free from tuition fees.So why not?

however, luck ended here.

I broke up with my secondary school bf who sacrificed so much for me.

I was thinking A-level was easy, 4 subjects only. So i didn't really spend time on books.

I did what i like,according to my mood but brain.

I couldn't blame those people who made me spend time on crying rather than studying.

It was my own fault in failing to control my own emotions and priority.

Prides came first and then every went wrong.

I screwed up for my A-level. I know some might think that i failed them because i kept on saying bad and secret. Alright, i didn't fail. I just didn't get straight As, i was embarrassed for myself and that is it.

B is already a failure.so i am very much of a failure.i am not able to get scholarships anymore.

I was so depressed. My family now i kind of having some sorts of problem so i am not able to go overseas.Despite the overwhelming feeling of sadness, i still try hard to find any sponsorships,scholarships or  loan or etc. Until now, i gave up officially. No more searching . No more waiting.

My dream was to study in NTU or NUS. Then i ended it with my own hands.

My life is now a mess and no matter how hard i try to fix it

i can't. 

Martin Luther King Jr once said, ''Only in darkness can you see the stars''

I don't see it now. I need a getaway.

Now, i am running away from the reality. I reject to face life and dream. I lock myself in my own world.

Fly kites with friends, tea time with bestie, or Sunday with family.

Most of the time, i am trapping myself in the novel world, with a coffee as companion.

future?