I said i wanna go I-city and there was i

He was good

No?

( Also french village, ikano and many many more. Sg we almost went but din make it cuz broke up before the trip , broga was TBA,if he ever had a thought of bring the next gf going, i am sure i will be damn sad but it also can confirm that he was looking for a rebound. Rebound isn't based on love. But having a rebound doesn't mean he still wants back the pasts anyway )

Or i miss the happy me 

I can never be sure about this.

It was the thought that was killing slow .

Sometimes , we tend to stuck inside the dark clouds and unable to make a way out.

Now i am calm and i want to try my best to describe the feelings out.

I felt down since Wednesday night and continously until sunday evening. 

From Thursday to Sunday , i didn't eat anything. 

I only stuffed myself with a few bites of whole grain bread without any jam when my stomach was feeling funny.

I love my parents and i am loving the body they gave me. I wouldn't want to get gastric or anything so..

i had few bites when i really couldn't eat anything . It was the best i could do.

I was really depressed and the old habits were all coming back.

Lying on bed and unable to do what i should do.

I called home to make myself better by listening to my mom

My best friends called me

This is the time i was consciously knowing that i was going to fall , fall and fall

I needed get rid of the sadness immediately or i will simply lose the thought of being okay again

I tried very hard not to think , i couldn't.

then i went to sleep, i was finally free when i was sleeping

How sad it could be, when i opened my eyes, it was still the feeling of him with me , and i didn't want to wake up anymore , then i went back to sleep again.

This is how i wasted my time.

I woke up when my stomach was having emergency call for input. Pain. 

then i woke up for a bite.

*taken on X'mas

We broke up before Christmas and I was fine before Christmas

I did find him few times .

It can be some texts like Merry X'mas, Happy New Year , Happy CNY

*I called on 31/12/2013 for Happy New Year but he hung up my call

Before CNY , i used my room mate's phone to msg him to explain things

when i think i am okay already

i didn't expect for a reply but i think i should have done what i should have done long ago 

Then life goes on

I knew he got a gf later. I was very surprised as he told me (+his fren) he won't be in relationship so fast because he's scared

 I didn't get any sad reaction or anything.

I was just kaypoh to know is she pretty

 ( Normal reaction k...i believe some of you're thinking about it right now if you don't know who is it )

One week ++++ later , i thought of him

I thought he is okay edy since got gf liao

then i went and find him

Hope he can explain things like i did

he ignored

i went nilai then...he ignored

This is the only time i started to be crazy and sad.

I started to find him desperately

I felt as if i was a joke

People all know who's his gf

and i didn't know

His gf told me she couldn't sleep on Vday's eve..

and wtf i really didn't know anything

Later when i found out , i was taking it easy too

""chehhh, it was you'' like that to her..

then still normal. 

His gf even asked me why do i hate him and stuff

i didn't tell.

Then...when he ignored me

everything i suppressed seems to reach a limit

i broke down

i am dead

i am that childish weiwei again

I do not know why i smile smile go find him

he needs to react so BIG

then i always ended up crying and emo back 

:(

I do not know why i always cannot accept ''detachment''

People left , people passed away , even dogs (patients) die.. i also sad

my dog died i went hysteric 

i have zero EQ 

i do not how to control my emotions

i am cool alll the time

How you being sarcastic or mean

i can be still cool

But whenever it comes to relationship and pride-concerns

i die

I believe if that day , 

i am able to control my emotion  ( He too )

things will become better

There's still some faith left in me

and i am doing what i can to make myself better.

I miss the feeling of being loved by him.

then i started a new account 

only adding ppl i know

privacy was set

and i blocked him 

He will not be the only who decide when is the right time to be okay back.

:))

Talking with friends

A moment ago , i felt so awkward.
Can you guess what did i actually do ?
I asked Stephen's current girlfriend is Stephen's current girlfriend pretty.
*facepalm*

Yeah she's someone i know , and we did chat a few times before
I liked her on the first day we met b'cuz i think she's very outgoing
But i didn't know few months later,  it's her !
*awkward die * =_='

I told his best friend.. i was kind of taking this as a joke
it's so funny
'cuz last time we chat, he said S hasn't told him who is the girl and he didn't even know the fb name
I thought he knew and kacau kacau only :(
But uhm i got scolded
it never feels good right
Another dude told me guys can't stand sulking much . ( his sulking = emo)
about problems which can't be solved
So it's better to tell to the girls buddies
Okay wo huo gai x(

I called my dear gay pedo and told him about this
We chatted for 44 minutes about relationships thingy
I told him that she asked me what did he do to make me hate him so much
I hesitated and my housemate asked me to tell but uhmm
I didn't. My dear gay pedo also asked me not to! Be kind be good
Things are better off untold

Shall wish them all the best
:)

First drunk experience

Hello !

I got drunk yesterday !!

It was our steamboat night with housemates and friends x)

Black label 

Cute meee !

I had 6 and 7 cups of that and i was okay

After drank at once i started to feel very dizzy but for my mind was conscious

Kept on talking and played chou dai di ( lol)

and sat there talking to them !!

(No one believed me except poh yee !)

Then i couldn't stand right and they sent me to bed

Once lied down, the blood rushed to my brain and i started to feel very warm

Yes this is the time i got drunk

half drunk half conscious was so torturing

then i cried

i cried for no reason

Since i wasn't allowed for more liquor 

( nahh they left me for the worst situation, can't be 100% conscious but can't be drunk till slept, letting me feeling dizzy consciously !! worst feeling ever )

I started to force drinking with whatever on the table cuz the dizziness real sucks

then i puked

then only the dizziness went off a little

i think i was a hugger when i was drunk anyway

lol.

And my another housemate who was really drunk and did funny stuff

couldn't remember anything she did 

haha

Seeing my housemate missing her ex while she's drunk

surprisingly

i don't.

i miss my mom ! hahah

End of story

x)

狠心

因为永远都狠不下心

很讨厌这样的自己
可是很多年了
永远没有办法改变

如果有的选择
我还是想做被飞的那一个

虽然很痛
可是不会让别人一样痛

我也飞不了人 ，
每次先说分手
可是多一下下就好了回去

我很不明白
为什么情侣小小吵架就要分手
体谅真的那么难？

Unable

There was a guy who was willing to get me whatever i want 

If he was unable to do that at the moment , he would do it later and he never failed his promise

I love him.

He was getting lazier and forgetful about his promises later..

But i still love him.

Diary of Twigs

The rain hits the roof so hard that i can't hear anything else. But the sound in my brain is loud , so loud that i can hardly concentrate on whatever i am doing .

It is another holiday of short break. People say if you have some friends , some food or a few pennies in the pocket, you are already luckier than many people - that i can hardly remember the sentence in full , anyway. The definition of fortunate can be easy , and i am glad that i am one of those.

My breakfast is always on the table for me when i am home. Today's menu is prawn mee. It makes me think of him , this guy , who bought and served the prawn mee on the table while i was sleeping soundly , when i was away from home. Living away from family is never good even if you are so independent to live on your own. I didn't think of him deliberately , it just came so naturally. People may have left your world , but the imprint of them does stay forever.

Then i took the book written by Lauren Oliver , Before I Fall. The first part of the story has caught me and i continue reading it for few hours. Now i only left 2 more parts to finish reading it. The story is about a high school teen - a popular - bitch - whatever you can expect of people at the age. She died. Then she wakes up , it is another same day for her , the cycle continues and she makes different choices in each , making different outcome, and you also see how she grows up as the story goes.

“It amazes me how easy it is for things to change, how easy it is to start off down the same road you always take and wind up somewhere new. Just one false step, one pause, one detour, and you end up with new friends or a bad reputation or a boyfriend or a breakup. It's never occurred to me before; I've never been able to see it. And it makes me feel, weirdly, like maybe all of these different possibilities exist at the same time, like each moment we live has a thousand other moments layered underneath it that look different.”

So true. Every choice we made has an effect on our future. It always does the magic.

Now i am thinking. Should i be the person people would like me to be , or be myself ?

I do not hide my feeling. I don't like you to treat me like this , i tell you straight on face or my action will show it to you. I can't hold my anger when your words are going too far. I cry if you hurt me . I cry if somebody does not respect me. When i am sad, i do not have IQ , i can't think properly and i will just get sadder and sadder until someone saves me from the lurch.

There were times people like me for being truthful - that i do not fake anything . However, most of the time , people do not like me. They hate me telling them off directly , they hate me being sad. If i do not do something about it , sooner or later i am losing friends and i will be all alone.

There are friends i treat them like family . Not like entire family but it was just..with them you can be yourself. Ask them to be drivers , ask them for accompaniment , ask them to belanja when you are broke. They complain but still do it . Ripping each other's wallet but wiling to pay. Show them the middle finger when you are pissed.You cry everyday they scold the bastard together with you. Stuff like this.

 But not every close friend can do that. Friends are friends, someone you know. Some friends they friend you with a motive that you might not know. They can reject you when you need some help and think that why are you so dependent ( All of us should be independent anyway, this applies when you need to do you're unable to do it by your own, or something you need to make a detour to accomplish it but they do it by a snap or something  ) . They MIND if you ask for help . They are also humans, they want something in return. They do not care about you when you are in deep shit. So in order not to lose friend , you need to be the person they need you to be.

and i think the answer is very obvious.

"We're born alone, we live alone , we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we are not alone" - Orson Welles Quotes

I used to be the one who lives with this :
" Be yourself. Screw those who don't like you. They are not real friends" and stuff.

If they cannot handle your worst, they don't deserve your best but now..

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Sometimes i forgot how to live alone.
I have passed the grief days , i hope i can pass this too.

With people who truly like me .

Breakthrough

Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass,

it's about learning to dance in the rain.

              I am having some breakthrough about 'life' . Often , i am down . I am not happy . More often, i am idle , i am not thinking about anything and just....living. I only feel happy when i am thinking and appreciating that i am having all that i need for this thing we called as life.

             Do you like yourself? I don't think i like myself - at least not for now. I am afraid of people. People are afraid of me too. Then i got so paranoid and overly sensitive. I was kind of 'popular'. I had many many friends and these many many friends accept me for who i was. I was happy. Then, i am not popular. My many many friends do not even exist anymore. The guy i relied on when i am not with my family is gone. I am afraid of myself too. I am too stupid to handle my own emotions. I trusted him to accept my imperfections and even him , couldn't . I do not have faith that anyone else can.

               I am not a Saint nor do i trying to be one. I love giving a helping hand to people , the feeling of satisfaction often tells me the meaning of life. Somebody used to tell me " You have only one life, why not using it to help others?". Still , charity is one thing , personal life is another. In my life , there are many people i cross the path with . We met , We knew each other and some of you stayed  . People frightened me . I see the ugly side of people , i see the ugly side of me. They aren't pretty. No matter how sorry people had done to me , i still would be the one who asked for peace first. Often, what i got is either cold shoulder , or a lie that we are okay.

               A person does not have to be behind bars to be a prisoner.  People can be prisoners of their own concepts, choices and ideas.  So tell the negativity committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up.

              I am not happy. Unhappy events popped out of nowhere without any warning. However, everyday, i am trying to make myself the happiest person in the world. Every moment can be a new start. I know you might see me having some kind of roller coaster - awhile positive awhile negative. I want to be happy and i believe i am having all the conditions to be one.

             I always had this thought when i couldn't get a hold of myself : Wait for the storms to pass. Now...i wanna learn how to dance in the rain. :))

Life is beautiful if you see it that way :))

Something worth reading here 

Here are ten happiness mistakes to avoid:

Thinking that you have already missed your chance.
– Your life, with all its ups and downs, has molded you for the greater good.  Your life has been exactly what it needed to be.  Don’t think you’ve lost time.  It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the current moment.  And every moment of your life, including this one right now, is a fresh start.  If you have the courage to admit when you’re scared, the ability to laugh even as you cry, the nerve to speak up even if your voice is shaking, the confidence to ask for help when you need it, and the wisdom to take it when it’s offered, then you have everything you need to get yourself to a better place.

Using failed relationships as an excuse.
– Life doesn’t always introduce you to the people you WANT to meet.  Sometimes life puts you in touch with the people you NEED to meet – to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to gradually strengthen you into the person you were meant to become.

Changing who you are to satisfy others.
– No matter how loud their opinions are, others cannot choose who you are.  The question should not be, “Why don’t they like me when I’m being me?” It should be, “Why am I wasting my time worrying what they think of me?”  If you are not hurting anyone with your actions, keep moving forward with your life.  Be happy.  Be yourself.  If others don’t like it, then let them be.  Life isn’t about pleasing everybody.

Putting up with negative people and negative thinking.
 – It’s time to walk away from all the drama and the people who create it.  Surround yourself with those who make you smile.  Love the people who treat you right, and pray for the ones who don’t.  Forget the negative and focus on the positive.  Life is too short to be anything but happy.  Making mistakes and falling down is a part of life, but getting back up and moving on is what LIVING is all about.

Focusing all of your attention on another time and place.
– This day will never happen again.  Enjoy it.  Cherish your time.  It’s often hard to tell the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.  Someday you may discover that the small things were really the big things.  So learn to appreciate what you have before time forces you appreciate what you once had.

Overlooking what you have to focus on what you haven’t.
– Most people end up cheating on others and themselves because they pay more attention to what they’re missing, rather than what they have.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, think about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Dwelling on the things you can’t change.
 – If you hadn’t fallen down, you would never have learned how to get back on your feet.  If you hadn’t been forced to let go and move on, you’d never have learned that you have the strength to stand on your own.  If you hadn’t lost hope, you would never have found your faith.  The best often comes after the worst happens.  You can either move on, or you can dwell on the things you can’t change.  Either way life does move on with or without you.  So learn from the past and then get the heck out of there.  You will always grow stronger from the pain if you don’t let it destroy you.

Constantly sacrificing your own happiness for everyone else.
 – Never let your own happiness wither away as you try to bring sunshine to others.  Life is not about making others happy.  Life is about being honest and sharing your happiness with them.

Losing track of your own goals and ideals.
 – Knowing who you are is one thing, but truly believing and living as yourself is another.  With all the social conditioning in our society we sometimes forget to stay true to ourselves.  Don’t lose yourself out there.  In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, stay true to your awesome self.

Dealing with the stress of deceiving others.
 – If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!  If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE!  If you say you feel something, MEAN IT!  If you can’t, won’t, and don’t, then DON’T LIE.  It’s always better to tell people the truth up front.  Live in such a way that if someone decided to attack your character, no one would believe it.  Live so that when the people around you think of fairness, caring and integrity, they think of you.


And remember, life will never be perfect, no matter how hard you try.  Even if you pour your heart and soul into it, you will never achieve a state of absolute perfection.  There will always be moments of uncertainty; there will always be days where nothing goes right.  But as time rolls on you will learn that even the most imperfect situations can be made better with a little love and laughter.