Diary of Twigs

The rain hits the roof so hard that i can't hear anything else. But the sound in my brain is loud , so loud that i can hardly concentrate on whatever i am doing .

It is another holiday of short break. People say if you have some friends , some food or a few pennies in the pocket, you are already luckier than many people - that i can hardly remember the sentence in full , anyway. The definition of fortunate can be easy , and i am glad that i am one of those.

My breakfast is always on the table for me when i am home. Today's menu is prawn mee. It makes me think of him , this guy , who bought and served the prawn mee on the table while i was sleeping soundly , when i was away from home. Living away from family is never good even if you are so independent to live on your own. I didn't think of him deliberately , it just came so naturally. People may have left your world , but the imprint of them does stay forever.

Then i took the book written by Lauren Oliver , Before I Fall. The first part of the story has caught me and i continue reading it for few hours. Now i only left 2 more parts to finish reading it. The story is about a high school teen - a popular - bitch - whatever you can expect of people at the age. She died. Then she wakes up , it is another same day for her , the cycle continues and she makes different choices in each , making different outcome, and you also see how she grows up as the story goes.

“It amazes me how easy it is for things to change, how easy it is to start off down the same road you always take and wind up somewhere new. Just one false step, one pause, one detour, and you end up with new friends or a bad reputation or a boyfriend or a breakup. It's never occurred to me before; I've never been able to see it. And it makes me feel, weirdly, like maybe all of these different possibilities exist at the same time, like each moment we live has a thousand other moments layered underneath it that look different.”

So true. Every choice we made has an effect on our future. It always does the magic.

Now i am thinking. Should i be the person people would like me to be , or be myself ?

I do not hide my feeling. I don't like you to treat me like this , i tell you straight on face or my action will show it to you. I can't hold my anger when your words are going too far. I cry if you hurt me . I cry if somebody does not respect me. When i am sad, i do not have IQ , i can't think properly and i will just get sadder and sadder until someone saves me from the lurch.

There were times people like me for being truthful - that i do not fake anything . However, most of the time , people do not like me. They hate me telling them off directly , they hate me being sad. If i do not do something about it , sooner or later i am losing friends and i will be all alone.

There are friends i treat them like family . Not like entire family but it was just..with them you can be yourself. Ask them to be drivers , ask them for accompaniment , ask them to belanja when you are broke. They complain but still do it . Ripping each other's wallet but wiling to pay. Show them the middle finger when you are pissed.You cry everyday they scold the bastard together with you. Stuff like this.

 But not every close friend can do that. Friends are friends, someone you know. Some friends they friend you with a motive that you might not know. They can reject you when you need some help and think that why are you so dependent ( All of us should be independent anyway, this applies when you need to do you're unable to do it by your own, or something you need to make a detour to accomplish it but they do it by a snap or something  ) . They MIND if you ask for help . They are also humans, they want something in return. They do not care about you when you are in deep shit. So in order not to lose friend , you need to be the person they need you to be.

and i think the answer is very obvious.

"We're born alone, we live alone , we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we are not alone" - Orson Welles Quotes

I used to be the one who lives with this :
" Be yourself. Screw those who don't like you. They are not real friends" and stuff.

If they cannot handle your worst, they don't deserve your best but now..

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Sometimes i forgot how to live alone.
I have passed the grief days , i hope i can pass this too.

With people who truly like me .