Unable

There was a guy who was willing to get me whatever i want 

If he was unable to do that at the moment , he would do it later and he never failed his promise

I love him.

He was getting lazier and forgetful about his promises later..

But i still love him.

Diary of Twigs

The rain hits the roof so hard that i can't hear anything else. But the sound in my brain is loud , so loud that i can hardly concentrate on whatever i am doing .

It is another holiday of short break. People say if you have some friends , some food or a few pennies in the pocket, you are already luckier than many people - that i can hardly remember the sentence in full , anyway. The definition of fortunate can be easy , and i am glad that i am one of those.

My breakfast is always on the table for me when i am home. Today's menu is prawn mee. It makes me think of him , this guy , who bought and served the prawn mee on the table while i was sleeping soundly , when i was away from home. Living away from family is never good even if you are so independent to live on your own. I didn't think of him deliberately , it just came so naturally. People may have left your world , but the imprint of them does stay forever.

Then i took the book written by Lauren Oliver , Before I Fall. The first part of the story has caught me and i continue reading it for few hours. Now i only left 2 more parts to finish reading it. The story is about a high school teen - a popular - bitch - whatever you can expect of people at the age. She died. Then she wakes up , it is another same day for her , the cycle continues and she makes different choices in each , making different outcome, and you also see how she grows up as the story goes.

“It amazes me how easy it is for things to change, how easy it is to start off down the same road you always take and wind up somewhere new. Just one false step, one pause, one detour, and you end up with new friends or a bad reputation or a boyfriend or a breakup. It's never occurred to me before; I've never been able to see it. And it makes me feel, weirdly, like maybe all of these different possibilities exist at the same time, like each moment we live has a thousand other moments layered underneath it that look different.”

So true. Every choice we made has an effect on our future. It always does the magic.

Now i am thinking. Should i be the person people would like me to be , or be myself ?

I do not hide my feeling. I don't like you to treat me like this , i tell you straight on face or my action will show it to you. I can't hold my anger when your words are going too far. I cry if you hurt me . I cry if somebody does not respect me. When i am sad, i do not have IQ , i can't think properly and i will just get sadder and sadder until someone saves me from the lurch.

There were times people like me for being truthful - that i do not fake anything . However, most of the time , people do not like me. They hate me telling them off directly , they hate me being sad. If i do not do something about it , sooner or later i am losing friends and i will be all alone.

There are friends i treat them like family . Not like entire family but it was just..with them you can be yourself. Ask them to be drivers , ask them for accompaniment , ask them to belanja when you are broke. They complain but still do it . Ripping each other's wallet but wiling to pay. Show them the middle finger when you are pissed.You cry everyday they scold the bastard together with you. Stuff like this.

 But not every close friend can do that. Friends are friends, someone you know. Some friends they friend you with a motive that you might not know. They can reject you when you need some help and think that why are you so dependent ( All of us should be independent anyway, this applies when you need to do you're unable to do it by your own, or something you need to make a detour to accomplish it but they do it by a snap or something  ) . They MIND if you ask for help . They are also humans, they want something in return. They do not care about you when you are in deep shit. So in order not to lose friend , you need to be the person they need you to be.

and i think the answer is very obvious.

"We're born alone, we live alone , we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we are not alone" - Orson Welles Quotes

I used to be the one who lives with this :
" Be yourself. Screw those who don't like you. They are not real friends" and stuff.

If they cannot handle your worst, they don't deserve your best but now..

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Sometimes i forgot how to live alone.
I have passed the grief days , i hope i can pass this too.

With people who truly like me .

Breakthrough

Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass,

it's about learning to dance in the rain.

              I am having some breakthrough about 'life' . Often , i am down . I am not happy . More often, i am idle , i am not thinking about anything and just....living. I only feel happy when i am thinking and appreciating that i am having all that i need for this thing we called as life.

             Do you like yourself? I don't think i like myself - at least not for now. I am afraid of people. People are afraid of me too. Then i got so paranoid and overly sensitive. I was kind of 'popular'. I had many many friends and these many many friends accept me for who i was. I was happy. Then, i am not popular. My many many friends do not even exist anymore. The guy i relied on when i am not with my family is gone. I am afraid of myself too. I am too stupid to handle my own emotions. I trusted him to accept my imperfections and even him , couldn't . I do not have faith that anyone else can.

               I am not a Saint nor do i trying to be one. I love giving a helping hand to people , the feeling of satisfaction often tells me the meaning of life. Somebody used to tell me " You have only one life, why not using it to help others?". Still , charity is one thing , personal life is another. In my life , there are many people i cross the path with . We met , We knew each other and some of you stayed  . People frightened me . I see the ugly side of people , i see the ugly side of me. They aren't pretty. No matter how sorry people had done to me , i still would be the one who asked for peace first. Often, what i got is either cold shoulder , or a lie that we are okay.

               A person does not have to be behind bars to be a prisoner.  People can be prisoners of their own concepts, choices and ideas.  So tell the negativity committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up.

              I am not happy. Unhappy events popped out of nowhere without any warning. However, everyday, i am trying to make myself the happiest person in the world. Every moment can be a new start. I know you might see me having some kind of roller coaster - awhile positive awhile negative. I want to be happy and i believe i am having all the conditions to be one.

             I always had this thought when i couldn't get a hold of myself : Wait for the storms to pass. Now...i wanna learn how to dance in the rain. :))

Life is beautiful if you see it that way :))

Something worth reading here 

Here are ten happiness mistakes to avoid:

Thinking that you have already missed your chance.
– Your life, with all its ups and downs, has molded you for the greater good.  Your life has been exactly what it needed to be.  Don’t think you’ve lost time.  It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the current moment.  And every moment of your life, including this one right now, is a fresh start.  If you have the courage to admit when you’re scared, the ability to laugh even as you cry, the nerve to speak up even if your voice is shaking, the confidence to ask for help when you need it, and the wisdom to take it when it’s offered, then you have everything you need to get yourself to a better place.

Using failed relationships as an excuse.
– Life doesn’t always introduce you to the people you WANT to meet.  Sometimes life puts you in touch with the people you NEED to meet – to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to gradually strengthen you into the person you were meant to become.

Changing who you are to satisfy others.
– No matter how loud their opinions are, others cannot choose who you are.  The question should not be, “Why don’t they like me when I’m being me?” It should be, “Why am I wasting my time worrying what they think of me?”  If you are not hurting anyone with your actions, keep moving forward with your life.  Be happy.  Be yourself.  If others don’t like it, then let them be.  Life isn’t about pleasing everybody.

Putting up with negative people and negative thinking.
 – It’s time to walk away from all the drama and the people who create it.  Surround yourself with those who make you smile.  Love the people who treat you right, and pray for the ones who don’t.  Forget the negative and focus on the positive.  Life is too short to be anything but happy.  Making mistakes and falling down is a part of life, but getting back up and moving on is what LIVING is all about.

Focusing all of your attention on another time and place.
– This day will never happen again.  Enjoy it.  Cherish your time.  It’s often hard to tell the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.  Someday you may discover that the small things were really the big things.  So learn to appreciate what you have before time forces you appreciate what you once had.

Overlooking what you have to focus on what you haven’t.
– Most people end up cheating on others and themselves because they pay more attention to what they’re missing, rather than what they have.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, think about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Dwelling on the things you can’t change.
 – If you hadn’t fallen down, you would never have learned how to get back on your feet.  If you hadn’t been forced to let go and move on, you’d never have learned that you have the strength to stand on your own.  If you hadn’t lost hope, you would never have found your faith.  The best often comes after the worst happens.  You can either move on, or you can dwell on the things you can’t change.  Either way life does move on with or without you.  So learn from the past and then get the heck out of there.  You will always grow stronger from the pain if you don’t let it destroy you.

Constantly sacrificing your own happiness for everyone else.
 – Never let your own happiness wither away as you try to bring sunshine to others.  Life is not about making others happy.  Life is about being honest and sharing your happiness with them.

Losing track of your own goals and ideals.
 – Knowing who you are is one thing, but truly believing and living as yourself is another.  With all the social conditioning in our society we sometimes forget to stay true to ourselves.  Don’t lose yourself out there.  In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, stay true to your awesome self.

Dealing with the stress of deceiving others.
 – If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!  If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE!  If you say you feel something, MEAN IT!  If you can’t, won’t, and don’t, then DON’T LIE.  It’s always better to tell people the truth up front.  Live in such a way that if someone decided to attack your character, no one would believe it.  Live so that when the people around you think of fairness, caring and integrity, they think of you.


And remember, life will never be perfect, no matter how hard you try.  Even if you pour your heart and soul into it, you will never achieve a state of absolute perfection.  There will always be moments of uncertainty; there will always be days where nothing goes right.  But as time rolls on you will learn that even the most imperfect situations can be made better with a little love and laughter.

Better

You see the problems in you

The very first thing and also very vital thing to do is not whining,

telling people how pity are you

but to do something about it

I am happy that i am not living in denial anymore

and i am realizing this on my own

This is the reason why do i always say

" What do you propose ? "

Until i become a better person , i don't think i deserve the kindness

the attachments

the person i long to be with 

This is not pessimism but self conscious

This is a yearn in the heart that goes,

''please be a better one than before"

我现在很伤心   可是我什么屁都blog不出来

懂得

15mins sketch for valentine's

学会不把私事当status post
再不爽也不会再用status骂人 或 imply人
也开始会用private msg 而不是在 wall/status comment.
不再check in
难过的时候自己要entertain自己
要独立
不要喝 chatime ochado
不要浪费钱在一些垃圾上

hahahaha this was for somebody last time
yes i drew !

I've always thought there were people who leave an indelible mark on your soul. An imprint that can never be erased." - Agent Broyles  

Some people may have left our lives..

But what they taught us,

are impossible to erase from our souls.  - Inspired by Fringe

Thank you for making me a better person than before.

:)

rubbish

Some people are living in denial

they do not accept what happened

they are running away from problems

when people are nice enough to give them a wake up call

they refuse to answer it

living in their own world

i was always like that whenever i got too sad

I do not want to get sad

'cuz

i do not want to be a rubbish

i wanna be a strong woman

yes woman

i do not want to be a kid anymore.

:)